Glory is defined in so many ways, not least of which is part of the title above. I had a journal once that said something similar, about “I get up, I fall down, meanwhile….I keep dancing.”
I have lost count of all the new beginnings and fresh starts I’ve made. I never consciously think of them as New Year’s resolutions, but more as the kind of mental pulling up your socks and getting on with things that we all need to do. And these self-wake-up-calls are not limited only to the beginning of a new year. They can occur at any time: when starting a new job, moving into a new house, at every birthday, and so on. I am continually thinking I need to improve so much of my life and how I live it. I don’t think it’s that I’m so very hard on myself, though it is true I am my own worst critic, but more that I know I could do better and that I want the good feeling that comes from doing exactly that.
So what is it now? Some of the usual, but not really. It’s less. And it’s more.
For longer than I care to remember, I was thinking of all the things I wanted to/would do if I wasn’t working so much, if only I had the time. And now I’m not, and I do, and I haven’t accomplished nearly as much as I thought I would. On one hand, everything takes longer to do than I think it will; but on the other hand, I am really good at wasting time online. Hours can go by and I’m not really aware, because it’s always just one more look at this or that or one more person pops in to chat with me and….I’m tired, I’ll get to it tomorrow….you know how it goes.
But I don’t want it to go that way. I want to do all the things I’ve always wanted to do, and then think of a lot more to do. I love the idea of a never-ending to-do list….not in some compulsive way, not to be showing off about all I have accomplished, but more as a kind of ‘life is so full and so rich and I have no time to waste’ thing. I think about the friends I’ve lost who wanted to see some of my works finished….and didn’t. I think about the accomodations my family has made to help me achieve these dreams, and how I want them to see those finished works, as well.
But it still comes back to what it so often has before: I want to do it because I want to do it. For me. Some things I should do just for me, just because. For all the things I wanted to do and never even tried (so many reasons that is so, and not the point here.) For all the things I tried and failed (but learned from, and that IS a point here.) For all the things I know I could do if I would just do them.
So this year we try again, having fallen too many times in what was a very tough year (so glad to see you gone, 2013.) In the same way you open a fresh journal and pick up a new pen (those of you who, like me, still enjoy writing by hand as much as by typing….I can’t be the only one out there who feels that way still?) I deleted every word I wrote here last year, after reading them one last time. After all, I didn’t want this to seem like the same old same old, recycled from another New Year’s Day, because it isn’t. I am not the same woman I was a year ago. I am not even who I will be a year from now. I am who I am right this minute, filled with hopes and dreams and plans, and feeling much more optimistic about what this year will hold than I have in several years past. I like that.
I am dancing, you bet I am.
I am dancing, and writing, and reading, and creating, and oh, so much more.